


The Losers Take Some Advice

by QueerOnTilMorning



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Eddie Kaspbrak Lives, F/M, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Relationship Advice, Stanley Uris Lives, This is dumb and I am dumb for writing it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-13
Updated: 2020-03-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:06:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23131423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueerOnTilMorning/pseuds/QueerOnTilMorning
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Bill Denbrough/Mike Hanlon, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Patricia Blum Uris/Stanley Uris
Comments: 36
Kudos: 166





	The Losers Take Some Advice

The Losers Take some Advice

July 22, 2016

From: hanlon_m@derrypubliclibrary.org

To: whatsyourproblem@thedebrief.com

Subject: Middle school reunion?

Dear What's Your Problem,

I grew up in a small town in rural New England. It was pretty awful, except that I had a group of close friends that made it bearable. All of them except me moved away years ago. When we were younger, we promised each other we'd come back some day, but I'm the only one who remembers that promise. They're all off being successful and happy. Do I have the right to call them up and ask them to come back to this shithole, just because I need them? Or should I let them forget me and get on with their lives?

From: whatsyourproblem@thedebrief.com

To: hanlon_m@derrypubliclibrary.org

Subject: Re: Middle school reunion?

You say you’re holding off on contacting your friends out of fear that it would burden or inconvenience them, but I wonder if underneath that consideration you’re also scared they’ll ignore your call. Existing in a state of uncertainty can feel like the safer choice than opening yourself up to rejection--believe me, I’m well aware. Rejection hurts like a bitch. The thing to remember, though, is that the pain of rejection is temporary, and it heals. In that way, it is a million percent preferable to just never asking for what you want.

I think you should reach out to your friends. It sounds like you’re not happy about having stayed in your hometown, and you’re idealizing the lives of the people who got out, but you might be surprised when you reconnect with them. Very few people, even very successful people, are as content as it seems on the surface. It’s possible that you’re wrong about your friends forgetting their promise; maybe they’ve missed you more than you realize and will be thrilled to reconnect. I can’t guarantee that, of course--but I still think you should call them.

And whatever they say or don’t say, ask yourself what’s keeping you in a place you feel so little affection for. Are you rooted in place by responsibilities, or is it the fear of trying something new and failing? What loose ends can you start tying up? It's not like your hometown will cave in on itself if you leave. I know a major life change isn’t easy to accomplish, but I believe you can make it happen. I hope you can believe in yourself too.

October 12, 2016

From: unsolicitedrichpic@gmail.com

To: whatsyourproblem@thedebrief.com

Subject: Friend in a shitty marriage

Heyyy so I recently reconnected with a friend from childhood and found out he married a woman who looks exactly like his abusive mother. That's fucked up, right? His childhood was like that show The Act, except unfortunately no one ever murdered his mom. I don't know if he's been to therapy about it, but if he has I don't think it worked. Why else would he marry a dead ringer for the psycho that gave him pretend asthma just to keep him from going out for track?

So how do I get him out of this shitshow? Also, at what point in the process do I mention I'm gay as fuck and want to ride off into the sunset on his dick?

From: whatsyourproblem@thedebrief.com

To: unsolicitedrichpic@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Friend in a shitty marriage

Well, that took a turn I was not anticipating! But even before the plot twist, I was going to urge caution and diplomacy, and remind you that physical resemblance to an abuser is not evidence of abuse. You have no reason to mistrust your friend's wife, apart from 1) she looks like someone shitty and 2) you want to sleep with her husband. I want to delicately suggest that it is just slightly possible you may be looking for reasons to write off their marriage, so that, should you make a move on this dude, you can see yourself as a hero instead of a homewrecker.

That said, I would also feel weird about discovering someone had married their abuser’s lookalike, and I think it’s reasonable to pay attention to what your friend says about his relationship. Don’t try to sow doubts; just listen without judgment and demonstrate that you’re someone he can trust. This is all the more crucial if it does turn out that something is amiss with his wife, as abusers often isolate their victims. If she’s mistreating him, the most helpful thing you can do may be to maintain a stable presence in his life until he’s ready to make his escape. (So we’re clear, trying to fuck him is the opposite of maintaining a stable presence.)

Speaking as both an advice columnist and longtime gay person, I’d also like to point out that coming out to your friends fosters deeper, healthier connections. I cannot in good conscience encourage you to pursue your romantic interest in an unavailable person, especially because hitting on him and being rejected is likely to torch your friendship, and this guy may be in need of friends. However! If you conclude that your friendship is  _ already ruined-- _ if you are so besotted that any hope of returning to platonic intimacy is gone--you have my permission to make one, explicit, last-ditch pass. As I believe Yogi Berra said, you miss 100% of the balls you don’t swing at. (Heh, balls.) I wish you and your friend both happiness.

December 1, 2016

From: ceo@bevmarshdesigns.com

To: whatsyourproblem@thedebrief.com

Subject: The audacity!

Hi! I recently found out that one of my old friends from school grew up to be a novelist. Good for him! But I started reading his books, and one of them is a thinly fictionalized autobiography full of characters obviously based on people we knew. One of them, who shares my initials, socioeconomic status, and hair color, has sex with the character based on the writer. And then with FIVE OTHER GUYS IN A ROW. IN JUNIOR HIGH. Needless to say, this is NOT based on actual events.

I'm not really worried about this reflecting badly on me, since anyone who might recognize me as the inspiration for the character also knows perfectly well how much that didn't happen. Nonetheless, I'm furious with him for even thinking that, let alone writing it down and publishing it. So, can you recommend a good defense lawyer? Because I obviously have to kill him.

From: whatsyourproblem@thedebrief.com

To: ceo@bevmarshdesigns.com

Subject: Re: The audacity!

First and foremost, What’s Your Problem does not endorse murder, no matter how much someone deserves it! We are decent, law-abiding advice columnists who do not make anywhere near enough money to survive being sued.

I don’t have any particular interest in defending your (former?) friend; his book sounds quite off-putting. Still, I should point out that any writer’s palette includes a lot of details borrowed directly from life, and a lot of absolutely wild shit from the dark and mildewy corners of their own brains. The fact that this guy dressed a character up in your biography and then stuck her in the middle of a group sex scene does not necessarily mean that he has even for a moment imagined  _ you _ partaking of an orgy. He may be shocked and confused to learn you read it that way.

Of course, whether or not he inadvertently revealed a disturbing fantasy about you, this still sounds gross and sexist and objectifying. You are well within your rights to yell at him and also to one-star his book on Goodreads and Amazon. It's what he deserves.

March 4, 2017

From: ekaspbrak76@yahoo.com

To: whatsyourproblem@thedebrief.com

Subject: My dumbass boyfriend

Swear to Christ, I'm at my wit's end. My boyfriend calls me every day while he's driving home from work. He says he "needs to hear my voice" and sappy shit like that, but I keep telling him that using phones while driving is a huge risk factor for accidents. I've literally crashed a car that way myself, and I'm a MUCH better driver than he is. How do I get him to cut this shit out?

From: whatsyourproblem@thedebrief.com

To: ekaspbrak76@yahoo.com

Subject: Re: My dumbass boyfriend

Have you tried just letting his calls go to voicemail?

From: ekaspbrak76@yahoo.com

To: whatsyourproblem@thedebrief.com

Subject: Re: Re: My dumbass boyfriend

I have not.

From: whatsyourproblem@thedebrief.com

To: ekaspbrak76@yahoo.com

Subject: Re: Re: Re: My dumbass boyfriend

If you stop picking up when he calls you from the car, he'll probably stop calling you from the car.

From: ekaspbrak76@yahoo.com

To: whatsyourproblem@thedebrief.com

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: My dumbass boyfriend

I truly admire your optimism.

June 18, 2017

From: author@williamdenbrough.com

To: whatsyourproblem@thedebrief.com

Subject: Moving in

Hello,

I've been with my long-distance boyfriend for close to a year, and I'd really like him to not be long-distance anymore. I'm thinking a lot about asking him to move in with me. My concern is that he might be a bit of a hoarder. His current place is full of ridiculous stacks of books, artifacts, and possibly a moldering skeleton with an ax in its skull. (I’m joking.) (I think. There could really be anything in there.) My house is a lot more spacious than his and I don’t mind if he brings a bunch of stuff, but I want to make sure his collection won’t eventually grow until it devours me in my sleep. Is there a way to bring this up without offending him?

From: whatsyourproblem@thedebrief.com

To: author@williamdenbrough.com

Subject: Re: Moving in

There might not be a way to assuage your concerns without offending your boyfriend, and I'm sorry to say you're just going to have to cowboy up and offend him. When you're considering moving in together, avoiding arguments can't be a priority. Instead, you need to work together to develop the skill of arguing productively--not being hurtful or holding grudges, but communicating honestly even if it results in conflict. Conflict isn't inherently bad, and learning how to handle it together is a crucial milestone for a relationship.

Tell your boyfriend you've been thinking about moving in together, and, if he's interested, discuss what that would entail. Express that his overcrowded living space gives you pause. If he moves in with you, will he want to bring all that stuff with him? Is he willing to work together to pare down his stash? His answers to these questions should help clarify whether he's just an untidy dude without enough storage space, or whether the thought of getting rid of anything causes him profound anxiety. If it's the latter, is he willing to seek help working through it?

These are very personal questions, so it's normal that discussing them might get heated. Be prepared to step back and regroup rather than letting an argument spin out of control. And consider that he may have qualms of his own about moving in together--you can't expect him to be the only one making compromises. This can be a jumping-off point for discussing the many ways your lives will need to bend around each other once you take this step. How will you handle finances as a household? How early in the morning is too early to practice your saxophone? And who's responsible for killing spiders?

Good luck and happy cohabitation!

August 30, 2017

From: ben@hanscomarchitecture.com

To: whatsyourproblem@thedebrief.com

Subject: Wedding planning

To the amazing team of advice columnists,

Thanks so much for taking the time to consider my question! I'm in the midst of planning my wedding to a woman I've been in love with since we were 13 years old. She's incredibly brilliant and creative, and has spectacular plans for the clothes, invitations, decor, etc. The thing is, I've been imagining our wedding for most of my life. I know it's traditionally the bride who gets most of the say, but do you think it would be okay to share some of my ideas, even if they're not as sophisticated as hers?

From: whatsyourproblem@thedebrief.com

To: ben@hanscomarchitecture.com

Subject: Re: Wedding planning

I can't tell from this letter whether your fiancee is rejecting your input or whether you haven't actually offered any yet. If it's the former, I'd regard that as a red flag. A wedding is a huge commitment of time and resources, and a good partner should want it to be the day of  _ both _ your dreams. If your fiancee dismisses your suggestions on the grounds that she knows more about design than you, that sucks, and it's something you should stop and talk about before putting down any more deposits.

If, on the other hand, you're just afraid to share opinions because you don't have faith in your taste, get over it and speak your mind! Your happiness as a couple is more important than some arbitrary rules of propriety or elegance. Unless one of you is a big-name designer or other celebrity, your wedding isn't a  _ Vogue _ spread, it's a time to share joy with each other and your loved ones. For what it's worth, I've known more than one couple who had pizza delivery at their wedding, and none of them have ever expressed regrets. Just do you. And congratulations on your engagement!

October 1, 2017

From: 1stdegreebirder@comcast.net

To: whatsyourproblem@thedebrief.com

Subject: Seventh wheel

I have six wonderful friends, lovely people who have saved my life more than once. They are, however, driving me out of my fucking mind. What used to be just an amorphous friendship blob has, in recent months, shaken out into three happy couples… and me.

I'm not jealous. I'm happily married, and I'm thrilled that all these absolute weirdos have found people strange enough to love them. But I am a little tired of watching our "group hangouts" devolve into three makeout sessions while I awkwardly sit in the corner texting my wife.

What I want to know is, would it violate the Friendship Code to start inviting my wife to these gatherings? She doesn't have the history that all of us share, but she's pretty great, and I feel like it's not fair that I'm the only one who can't bring their person.

From: whatsyourproblem@thedebrief.com

To: 1stdegreebirder@comcast.net

Subject: Re: Seventh wheel

Oh wow, THREE couples in your friendship circle? And they smooch in front of you? If the dynamic of group outings was basically unchanged except that some people were leaving in the same car, I'd probably tell you to let it ride, but if you're being subjected to PDA you should definitely get a plus-one. Mention to your friends that you're feeling like the odd man out, and you'd like to bring your wife along, at least sometimes. You can also offer to host a get-together at your place, where your life partner will also be.

Remember, too, that you don't always have to hang out with everyone at once! The occasional one-on-one coffee or movie with a friend can nourish your individual relationships while also reminding your friends that they have identities outside their shiny new sex lives. If all else fails, try suggesting a really unsexy group experience. No one's going to grope each other during a walking tour of your town's sewer system.

October 22, 2017

From: 1stdegreebirder@comcast.net

To: whatsyourproblem@thedebrief.com

Subject: Re: Re: Seventh wheel

Well, I took your advice and introduced my wife into my friend group, and it was spectacularly effective. They all love her and invite her to things even when I'm not available. She has inside jokes with them, and I think a group chat that I'm not in. She is fully and seamlessly a member of the gang.

Which means there is not a moment in my life, now, that is free of these miscreants' influence. I regret everything.


End file.
